There is a frightening trend going on in many marriages and serious relationships of today. It is called “no sex”. A lot of us must have at one point or the other heard all the clichés most especially, the stories of couples not having sex after getting married. I once saw a headline, “Married for 11 year without sex”. Strange! Isn’t it? To some persons, not being interested in sex is inherently not a problem, just like not being interested in bungee jumping not considered a problem seen as worth fixing. While other people see it as one that needs urgent attention.
In relationships, sex can truly diminish after having children and being consumed with the stressors of raising them, feeding them, and schooling them!I mean who really has the energy or the gumption to look sexy, feel sexy, and better yet have sex! Children are a lot of work. Hey, life itself is a lot of work. Come to think of it; is this why our mothers were so irritable when we were little?
Well, if you want to live in reality, eventually, you have to address this lack-of-sex subject in your marriage. Married folks should not only have sex but should enjoy it, and hopefully desire it on at least a semi-regular basis. They need it.
This brings the questions; why are we not handling this subject like we would with our finances, our careers and our children? Why are we avoiding it? Well, I believe because even in today’s modern society, sex is still a very uncomfortable subject for us to discuss with our children, our friends, and our spouses.
Isn’t it strange?
Come to think of it, we love a good romance novel, or romantic comedy movie. So, why are we not we talking about our sex life? Or do we see ourselves as the source of the problem or probably we are confused or frightened to admit it and deal with it?
If this sound like you in your marriage/relationship there may be a few concrete ways you can address what has to be a very difficult and painful topic for you and your spouse. Let’s get back to intimacy.
Do you know most times, having children can make you all wack up? Most especially being a first time mom. It is known as postpartum depression. The symptoms of postpartum depression are mild and most times go away within a few days. But there are women who experience these symptoms for weeks, whereas chronic cases have reported the condition to be persistent for years at end.
Also, there are some women who have always experienced uncomfortable or even painful sex during intercourse but never addressed it. Perhaps you think that certain positions are just not meant for you, but it may be that you have a physical problem that has a solution. I once had a discussion with a male friend and he told me about an ex-girlfriend, who will never get wet or arouse no matter the foreplay.
Most times, this happens due to the female genital mutilation that is done in most African countries. Our forefather thought they had our interest while carrying it out but unknown to them; they are subjecting that lady to a life time trauma.
If you have a diminished desire for sex that is; if you cannot get aroused or you are uncomfortable, even after a round of foreplay, there may be something physical going on. Go see your physician and check yourself out. It may as well be that your hormone levels just fluctuated, just make sure it is not a physical problem. Check it out with your gynecologist.
After seeing your physician and you check out okay, and there is nothing physically wrong with your partner as well, then you can assume that the problem is probably something mental/emotional in nature.
Now ask yourself;
- Are you mentally tired?Are you tired of him/her?
- Is he/she still attractive to you or is he/she just a warm body?
- Do you feel unattractive?
- Do you think he/she feels you are unattractive?
- Have either of you cheated in the past and the other knows about it?
- Is sex boring or a ritualistic rut?
It’s a huge myth when I hear people say sex is not an important part of a relationship. Physical intimacy with your partner is very important for the health of your relationship.
If you are dating, you should be sexually attracted to the person. If you are not, you may face serious problems in the future.
If you are married, sex may not feel like it did the first time with him/her, but it should be satisfying and desired by both of you. Not the Low feelings of desire.
HERE IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IF YOU HAVE LOST OR YOU ARE LOSING INTEREST IN SEX.
- Pinpoint your sources of stress. Write them down. Number them. Get a list. What is causing you the most stress? Is it Finances, Intimacy, Children, illness or Family?Sort them in their order of importance. You should be able to eliminate the last item on the list this week.
For example, if your kids are stressing you out. Hire a babysitter; go out on a date with your spouse, and at the end of the evening try to initiate intimacy.
- Continue to work on whittling down your list while you keep up with your date nights.
- Find things to reduce your overall stress levels. Engage in activities such as reading a book, yoga, walking/running, taking up an old hobby, dancing to your favorite music on your mobile phone, etc.
Reducing your overall stress is a great way to promote relaxation during times of intimacy. Sometimes we put great amounts of performance pressure on ourselves and inadvertently sabotage our performance. Plus happy people have more sex! Well, I’m not sure about that statistically but it makes sense right?
Written by: Juliana Jonathan