Intellectual Attraction: The Kind Of Connection He/she Can’t Deny.

Have you ever wondered why is it so easy for other women to fall in love with a man, and for their relationships to effortlessly come together and grow but you keep attracting all the men out there who are unavailable?

Yes i know shit happens but have you taken time to search yourself for the reason behind it? Being in a relationship with someone who is intellectually sound when you are the direct opposite of who they are can be pretty difficult.

An intellectual person is one who engages in critical thinking, research, and reflection about society and proposes solutions for its normative problems while Attraction refers to: Attractiveness. Interpersonal attraction, the attraction between people which leads to friendships and romantic relationships. Physical attractiveness, attraction on the basis of beauty.

What is intellectual attraction?

Intellectual attraction is a desire to interact mentally with the object of your intellectual attraction.  A necessity for attraction and not just a preference of people SOLELY because they are intelligent. Intellectual attraction and intellectual desire are linked; as soon as you’re attracted it’s assumed you also automatically have desire. When you find someone you’re ‘into’ you immediately want to do ‘stuff’ with them or have smart talk.

“Sometime back, I lost someone who was very dear to me, I was good, beautiful and to the best of my knowledge, I was ok. Then I met his guy, he was a great guy, he was someone who anybody would give anything to have. He was intelligent, hardworking, smart, handsome, well built….. he was all anyone would ask for and I had him on a platter of gold.  He had one problem with me, that is having an intellectual conversation with him. I was good to the best of my knowledge, I could express myself and I could hold a conversation but he kept saying  I was dull intellectually and he wants me to study more and do research. To cut long story short, he left”

For months, I kept beating myself because I felt I was not good enough, then a thought hit me, there are a million and one persons like me out there, who get turn down because of their poor intellectual level.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where we keep giving and getting nothing in return. It is a weak position because you really want and need a man who is truly COMMITTED to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual level. Not coerced, not forced, not convinced but COMMITTED. Totally and with all his being

Do you know the way you connect on an intellectual level, way you think about and discuss ideas is an important element of the relationship to consider?

In fact;

Studies show that intellectual compatibility in a relationship is a huge indicator of long-term success and, eventually, happiness in marriage.  One of the mistakes we make when trying to build an attraction in relationship is the way we communicate. By telling a guy/lady about you is not the way of getting into their mind.

For instance;

When you ask me to tell you about myself, I will give you just my name and some little details I want you to know aside that, you won’t get anything more for me except you ask.

This is not a great way to get someone to “open up” to you and get in touch with his/her feelings. This is not their “emotional process.” Especially with someone you are in a relationship with who is already acting “withdrawn” and has shut off his/her feelings from you.

Below are some huge turnoff;


Having The Same Issue Over And Over.

Nobody likes having the same conversation over and over, I can vividly recall him, telling me how boring our conversation is because it the same issue daily, it is worse when the relationship is an online or a distance relationship. In order to spice up your conversation, you need to be sound intellectually. Come up with topics and ask questions in areas that is not clear to you. One thing about them is they want the best for you so you have to work and meet their expectation.

Inability to Start and Maintain a Conversation

when he or she starts a general conversation, make sure you are sharing too and do not make it feel like an interrogation. Ask open ended questions, an open ended question requires an explanation for an answer rather than just a simple yes or no, and make sure you find a common ground. When you suddenly feel that you are not able to engage in conversation with another person, it’s likely that you’re telling yourself a few negative things, such as worrying that you are boring, not good enough, too unimportant, intruding or probably wasting their time.

One good to about having a conversation with an intellectual person is that are always patient, listening to you when you talk, and they are always ready to lift you up but when they discover you are not making sense, they find way of ending the conversation.

Be The Person He/She WANTS To Share Everything With

Most people are emotionally insecure & want someone to offload their frustrations. Do you know there are some persons that you always want to talk to when something good or bad happens to you? They are the first person you want to share everything with and always think of first no matter what!

Remember; if you communicate in a way that assumes, begs, convinces, or makes them think that you’re “entitled” to a relationship and a commitment with them, they will NEVER, EVER respect you and want to stay for the long-term. You might get what you want in the short-term if he gives in to your wishes just to avoid a conflict, but trust me, you are headed for MUCH bigger problems in the future. Unresolved communication issues create resentment that creates distance and dissatisfaction.

How to be intellectually attractive to your Partner

  • Use more statements instead of question.
  • Be enthusiastic.
  •  Shared intellectual pursuits.
  •  Be vulnerable.
  •  Enjoy the moment with him/her.
  •  Re-frame your limiting beliefs

One thing you should know about intellectual people is this:

They are always willing to help.they teach you new things and they want the best for you. They are okay with helping you. They surprise you for no other reason than to see a smile on your face. If you can see a future with them, if you genuinely want to be part of their life, you should share similar interests and goals with them in your life.


McFarland, D. A., Jurafsky, D., & Rawlings, C. (2013). Making the connection: Social bonding in courtship situations. American Journal of Sociology, 118, 1596-1649.

eHarmony Advice: Emotional Attraction, The Key to a Deep Connection

WRITTEN BY: Juliana Jonathan




I’m Julia Jonathan, I write on relationships, communication and lifestyle advice. I believe there’s always room to improve no matter how incredible you think you are. If you think so too, follow me to see more inspirational stories and articles

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