It Isn’t The Goodbye That Hurts…But The Flashback That Follows.

Breakup sucks and we all know that, we leave in world were people’s emotions are toiled with.

A breakup is an amputation of the heart, mind & soul. The pain is magnified into seemingly endless silent screams that threaten to go on forever. I envy those who have never had a relationship breakup before. They met their one true love for the first time and they are happily married and spending the rest of their years together. I envy them a lot. Don’t you?…

We all have a pattern in our life and somehow, we have become accustomed to it. When we miss the patterns, it feels like emptiness. Flash back hurt more than the day he/she said it over because you are emotionally attached to this person. I’ve been there and done that too.

When we love with everything we’ve got, separation seems so cruel. How could this have happened to us? In reality, we are actually in this world all alone.  The times we spend together are never in sync neither are our ages, or our times alive. Falling in love can be funny because most times we do not exactly match with those we love. Our passages are at different times, and our personal growth is inconsistent with being part of a couple.

Remember all the dreams you had. The house, the plans, the morning breakfast together, the planned trip to the Bahamas, the antiquing to find the perfect dishes… or whatever daydreams you had.  The daydreams are all popped like a balloon.

Flashbacks are all about memories you both created together. To overcome those memories you must create new memories. Remember, our eyes gives us the best memory.

You spent countless hours crying about the loss of what you once had, you spent hours and hours talking to friends trying to make sense of what just happened. At the long run, you channel my inner anger and the sense of betrayal you felt and you starting feeling sorry for yourself. It’s never your fault, your love felt real but it was not for the right person, so it ends as illusion stuff does:

 Having your heart broken sucks, even if you claim you weren’t all that invested in that relationship or that it was going south for a while now and had to end.

But the bitter truth is; it’s over and the time has come for you to move on. Moving on is not easy. There is always the constant memories of the “times you shared” the “what ifs” the “did I do something wrong” the “doubts”, the “insecurities”, “lack of confidence”, etc. Yes it hurts. Most especially, the experience of the stabbing pain of the loss you feel whenever you think about the sweet memories. The flash backs hurts so much because you were attached to your ideas, and now you have to let them go.

A heart ache demands and requires the dignity of having felt the pain of it to be able to overcome it eventually. So, do not look for a magical quick fix. Even if you do manage to find one, it will only be superficial and temporary. If you truly want to recover, give yourself the time and the chance to heal.

Here are some tips to help you pull through. 

  • Accept that you’ve been broken up with.  Yes, people get back together sometimes, but it will happen naturally without you having to force it.  Forcing things often leads to bad results anyway.  Save your grand romantic gestures.  This isn’t what is needed.  Honest and sincere communication is.
  • Let yourself grieve.  Being broken up with is hard.  You need to give yourself time to mourn your loss.  Be gentle on yourself, but always keep working on moving forward.
  • Avoid the urge for revenge, and try to avoid saying hurtful things during or after.  It might feel good in the moment, but it’s ultimately not worth it.  Even if they did something horrible, try to be the bigger person.  You’ll be happy about this someday.
  • If it’s too hard to stay friends, then don’t.  If your ex doesn’t want to remain friends, respect that.  Breakups are hard on everyone.  Realize that there might not be a possibility for friendship right away, and perhaps not until some time has passed.
  • Move on.  There are other awesome people out there, and you won’t be giving them a chance if you’re always measuring them up against your ex.  Most relationships do not work out, it’s just the way it goes.  Be happy for the time you had, learn from your mistakes, and go forward with your life.

Everything happens for good. Today it might seem as wrong but tomorrow you will benefit something from it. You cannot literally stop thinking about your girlfriend/boyfriend/ spouse  right away. It takes a lot of time

However, you cannot let yourself be sad forever. The best thing I can suggest is to focus on being the best version of you.

  • Give it time. You won’t believe but time has the most effective healing power EVER
  • Be realistic. Your relationship with this person is over and   it doesn’t have to define who you are, now.

I often wonder, if there is value in your forgetting them? However, if remembering them causes you pain then I suggest that you find a way to trivialize them so that they are easily dismissed. We live alone and we die alone. We cherish closeness and love, and when separation inevitably occurs, why do we lack the ability to just move on with our life?

Truth be told, be it relationship or mortality it’s seemingly ‘just not fair’, and we somehow expect life to be fair. Part of the answer to the question of the human condition is acceptance. We need to grasp this concept. Love with all your heart, and live a life of love. We will have many experiences and many relationships in a lifetime. It sounds trite, but this too shall pass. You will return to your ‘happiness set point’ in time.

But, until that person comes along, it’s important to work on yourself and define our own happiness which we can then share with them.  As your mind slowly starts to forget the memories you then start concentrating on your goals and career.




I’m Julia Jonathan, I write on relationships, communication and lifestyle advice. I believe there’s always room to improve no matter how incredible you think you are. If you think so too, follow me to see more inspirational stories and articles

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