We all have some personal issue we carry around knowingly or unknowingly. Most times we drag this baggage into any new relationship we find ourselves . The painful truth is this, until we can identify these issues, we cannot trust or give our hearts fully to anyone. As I’ve mentioned earlier, we all have issues we carry around, issues ranging from lack of parental love and care to molestation, harassment etc. it may be something you may not know is affecting your present. You may say, what is she insulating, for instance;
I had a rough childhood, starting from my parent divorce when myself and my siblings were quite young. We practically grow up without the love of a father. Dad remarried but of course my step mom never gave us the motherly love we needed. Dad was never around and so we felt neglected, even when he is around his present does more harm than good. He never stood up for us. We practically lived in fear.
Putting all these together, I was convinced within me that all men are evil, because the first man in my life (Dad) was not a role model. I was blinded by these beliefs and I see them (the male folks) as evil. Now, that is a baggage I’ve always had with me. Imagine growing up with fear and insecurity, fear of getting hurt by people close to you, the same people who were supposed to protect you. Most times you find out that such thoughts if not well manage will bring about unforgiveness and it hurts knowing some persons can’t trace the source of the hatred and unforgiveness they feel inside.
Until you can identify traumatic moments that has left you hurt, you will never grow as an individual or even in your relationship. Most times, in order to overcome the fear of our past, you need to confront it.
“growing up, I had all these pains and bitterness buckled up inside then came a day I had opportunity of letting it all out (although not to my dad because he has been absent from our lives for some years but to his brother and hell was let loose. I hushed everyone present till I poured out my heart to him and I felt relieved”
Holding grudge is one hell of job…lol it keeps you from going forward. These painful memories already screwed your foundation and if only you can let them out, you will feel more at peace with yourself and the world. Apart from being betrayed by your spouse, we find out that most times, people it difficult to trust. Listen, just because you can’t trust your mom, dad, siblings or guardian does not mean you can’t trust your spouse. Our past experience has proved who we are today and these experience have on way or the other affected lots of relationships. One thing I know for sure is this; when we let those past experience out (not just speaking about them but also forgiving those who caused them (even when you caused then yourself) you will experience this inner peace and satisfaction.
The first step to forgiveness is identifying the source. (you cannot start treating an ailment without identifying the cause) when you identify the source of the issues, then you can focus on moving on; that way, it no longer has power over you or your relationship. Another thing you should know is this, hanging on you past has a way of changing your personality and it will definitely affect your relationship with people. Unless we can forgive ourselves, we can never be fully healed. In order to free yourself from the anger you feel within, you must learn to forgive.
Using my experience, I found out that we often hide behind our pains than confronts them, which often leads to more emotional damage. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, far from it, sincerely speaking, it is more difficult than learning to ride a bicycle especially when the baggage is so much that it will take more than five (5) trucks to bring them out………………lol
Its OK to be scared of the outcome but always remember “you are lifting a burden off your shoulder” this is for you, for your peace of mind and not for the person. Forgiveness is a very difficult choice to make but the outcome is always rewarding. Always remember, when you don’t forgive, you empower the other person, apart from empowering them, your life will be full of hatred and it will mess you up emotionally. In order to grow as individually and in our relationship, we must forgive and by forgiving the one who offended you, you kinda take back your life.
Healing is a gradually process and with time you will fill better. I came across a post sometimes ago that say
“when you can tell your story without shedding a tear, then know you have healed”
Always remember, the one who forgives gets the greatest gift.