Relationship Insecurities and Ways of Overcoming Them.

June started feeling insecure in her relationship when the fear that she may lose her boyfriend overclouds her thoughts. The first 3 months was blissful, she was this very confident and non-needy type of person. Her fear of losing him amplified when his ex-girlfriend showed up with a baby not only that, his dad told him its best he amend things with his ex than have different women having kids for him. That fear triggers anxiety, paranoia and extreme neediness on her part. She realized those behaviors in the 4th month and started searching for more knowledge on these behaviors and self-therapy online, (she lives in a country where therapist of this kind are literally non-existent). 14 months into the relationship they’ve parted, reconciled, argued but are still together. Although the fear of losing him still lingers (especially thinking his ex might still win him back), but she does not allow that fear to control her. She choose to face that fear other than succumb to it. She has also learn to accept that in life, shit does happen and living in constant fear and paranoia that she may lose her boyfriend will only make things worse. Another thing she came to realize was that her happiness depends entirely on her and not with someone else. That realization alone drastically reduces the neediness she has for her boyfriend. Though she is still working on herself, her fears and her insecurities, but the good thing is, she is happy because she is making progress.

From the illustration, you will discover that something triggered that insecurity. She probably might her had some issues in the past that she is scared to let go of and maybe her boyfriend did not play his part well by assuring her that he is standing with her.

Insecurities are part of our existence and at some point in our lives; events would certainly expose the ‘insecure version of who we are. In relationships, when a partner begins to shows signs of insecurities, I’d like to believe that it arguably suggests that they have genuine feelings and they would hurt so much if they were betrayed.

A lot of people are insecure about their relationship. Some people get past this stage and become feeling more secure in later in life, but others haven’t, they get stuck as being an insecure person for the rest of their lives.

Did you know, in order to open, to love and to care, you have also indirectly opened the gate for being hurt, heartbroken and manipulated?

Being insecure create room for obsession which in return is followed with the negative thoughts thus making what started as a ‘healthy relationship become toxic. Often times the partner of the unsecured person will feel they are failing to secure them and feel responsible when sometimes it has nothing to do with them and it mostly has to do with what is going on internally with that individual who is insecure.

I understand that some actions or words could emphasize these insecurities but generally if that partner has not given them a reason to be insecure such as doing something that deflated trust or faith then the insecurity issue lies within the individual and not personally towards the partner.

One thing I have come to understand is that; a real relationship forms itself. Both parties are people who do not crave admiration, money, sex etc. If both parties are prone to produce not consume then it can be said that they are self-sufficient. If they form a synergy together and if they both like and care about each other and help each other just to see each other produce more beautiful things. A relationship forms from such selfless giving and you will feel secure in that because someone gave you something without expecting anything in return and you do the same.

One thing I’ve come to realize is; all relationships and situations are unique. The individuals are also unique and different with tolerances and how things influence or make an impact on their feelings and thoughts. 

Reasons Why You Are Insecure.

A lot of people who feel insecure in their relationship all have one major reason why they feel that way. From the short story I wrote, you will agree with me that fear is one of the major reason why people feel insecure.  Humans dislike uncertainty, getting exposed and therefore fear of giving chance to others to take advantage of how they feel towards them. In the process of protecting themselves they also forbid themselves to fully feel and enjoy what a relationship can bring.

Below are some other reasons why you feel insecure in your relationship;

  • There is no clarity where the relationship stands or where it’s headed. It was not properly defined from the onset.
  • You are afraid to lose them.
  • You are too dependent on them for happiness or too consumed with the relationship and not enough on yourself such as personal hobbies and outlets
  • They have given you reason to not trust them.
  • They or a situation has given you reason to have doubts about it working out and you are letting that take the “front” side of your mind.
  • Some actions or words have given you mixed signals on where this person stands with their feelings about you or about the relationship.
  • You past experiences: Your attachment to issues due to past experiences including the way you were raised not only past relationships with partners.
  • You do not feel you are adequate enough for them or you fear to fail them or fail them over and over again.
  • The “norms” in interactions between the two have changed.
  • You have low self-esteem.

How Can I Overcome My Insecurity?

Having the courage to identify your weakness is the first step of overcoming your insecurity.

  • Place value yourself. No matter what you must understand that you are human and you are imperfect, you have flaws, So? Show me anyone without flaws. You have worth. Out of the billions people, nobody is exactly like you. Nobody offers exactly what you offer. And it’s what you offer that brought your partner to you. It is the same reason your partner choose you even if you do not see it. Yes! There are people in the world who are smarter than you, better-looking than you, richer than you. So what? Learn to place value on yourself.
  • Learn to trust your partner. They are with you because they want to be. They had other choices, and they chose you. Isn’t that awesome? Celebrate it. Trust that you have something your partner likes. Trust that given the freedom to do whatever they wanted, they would still want to support and cherish you, because they care about you.
  • Stop allowing your thoughts ruin your relationship. Do you know your thoughts could be your relationship’s best friend or worst enemy? The quality of your thoughts has a direct effect on the quality of your relationship. Have you ever found thinking negative thoughts like, “I know they eventually leave me” or, “I’m not good enough for him/her?” 

These thoughts have little to do with reality but a lot to do with fear. In other words, the problem you are concerned with doesn’t exist; it was you who invented it! Any time you find yourself feeling insecure about your relationship, tell yourself, “This thing I’m worried about only exists in my head. I have full control.”

  • Talk to them about your fears, tell them what you are afraid of and why. Let them reassure you. Discuss it periodically instead of stewing in it by yourself. When your partner approaches you to discuss their fears, listen to them talk, do not judge them. All they need is an assurance that all is well.
  • Have a life that is separate from your partner, go out with friends, spend time with family, splurge on yourself, and enjoy a hobby. Work on your career and hang out with your colleagues. A lot of fear in relationships comes from the fact that your entire life revolves around your partner and you have nothing outside of them. So you have to eliminate that fear.
  • Do not let your man be in your brain 24/7 instead divert your thinking to your life. Your dream, think anything that is more productive to you.
  • Have faith that your wonderful self is worth loving. Have faith that your partner will see you for who you are and will cherish you for it. Have faith that all things happen for the good and if this one falls apart, a better one’s coming.
  • Work on yourself, by asking yourself…what am I really afraid of? Find that answer from within. And let it go. Set that fear free.

Listen;

Whenever you sense that feeling of insecurity always say this; I am enough, I am beautiful, I am lovable.

Learn to trust in the fact that your partner is with you, because they chose you, and they want you. Have faith in yourself, and also believe in yourself.  And that can be achieved by loving yourself and all the flaws that you have too. We all have them. Even your partner has flaws. Accept and love who you are and also knowing that even when your partner is not with you, that you are going to be just fine. You are not afraid of being vulnerable with each other. Whenever you feel insecure about something, you talk to each other. Be open. Be inviting. Allow yourself to “feel” loved by them. Do not allow fear to get in your way.

Instead of feeling insecure, enhance your beauty, your poise and everything about you. Focus on your career. Find some hobbies you enjoy. Make your life busy.

Always remember; insecure people also need love too. They all are not monsters.

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I’m Julia Jonathan, I write on relationships, communication and lifestyle advice. I believe there’s always room to improve no matter how incredible you think you are. If you think so too, follow me to see more inspirational stories and articles

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