What comes to your mind when you hear people make statement like this; “he/she is too secretive”?

When we hear such statements, we are quick to point accusing fingers forgetting one fact that we all have that one THING that will leave people stunned when they find out and for that one reason, we chose to keep it to ourselves.

These days, people find it difficult keeping secret due to social media platform. You see people laying their shit bare on the floor. The words; SECRET and PRIVACY” are often misunderstood by people. They often confuse one word for the other. I can be a private person on several aspect of my life and also have no secret to hide and I can as well be open as a book to all and still have dark, alarming secrets that can shake the earth.

There is an adage which goes thus;

“For Every Action, There Is Always a Reaction”

We have read news of people who we will pass for a role model with dirty secret, for instance, the documentary “SURVIVING R.KELLY” Who on earth would have known he had such a dark secret? And each day, more secret keep unfolding and hearts are broken, trust destroyed, family lost etc.

Truth be told, no matter how secretive you may be, there is always that one person we all confide in, that person can be your mum, your best friend, your dad or your sibling. And you feel safe telling them your secrets.

“For those that tell their secrets to friends don’t be fooled, your best friend has another best friend and the circle goes on and on. Always keep this in mind that you once you share a secret with someone, you’ve shared it with two or more persons”

Never the less, there are secret we will prefer to take with us to the grave because such secret could create chaos when made public, such secret will bring severe consequence. It is good not to keep secret but if you decided to tell someone a secret, be rest assured, it is no longer a secret.

We have different types of secret, stating from the dark secrets to the gossip secrets.

Here is a story;

A young lady find out on her sister’s wedding day that her brother in-law is having affair with their mother and still promised her (the mother) to continue with the affair even after marrying her daughter

Imagine you find yourself in this dilemma, what would you do? Will you allow your sister, go on with the marriage or you will interrupt the ceremony?

Here is another one;

You found out something about someone that is supposed to be a secret, would you keep quiet or will you spill it out?
Before going about exposing such secrets, be sure you have evidence to back your story because such information will definitely backfire without concrete evidence or better still keep quiet or go confess to a priest ( for those who are catholic)

Your friend is about to be laid off from their job and you happened to find out before them, but you cannot or must not say anything to them, how will you inform them and also be on a safer side?

Remember, you not telling them may earn you an enemy if they find out you knew all along.


If you happen to find yourself in this situation, i will suggest you tell them indirectly. Remember telling them will make them prepare themselves for the news. You can indirectly tell them, “Honey, one should not rely solely on this job. We should try applying for other jobs as well.
I tell you, no friend will see you as an enemy at the end of the day rather they will appreciate your friendship.

Is it advisable to keep secrets from our significant other/spouse?

I bet the answer already in your mind is “NO” but the truth behind that NO is this, 70% of married people keep secrets from their spouses.

“I watched a movie where a husband has low sperm count and the wife lost her womb due to an abortion she had years back. Both party kept it secret from each other”

I know some person will say it only happens in movies but the truth is, it happens in our society. Most people in relationship hide even the smallest of things from their significant other starting from finance, bumping into an ex they really loved but it didn’t work out even to health issues and in most cases such secret often leads to divorce.

Culturally, most people keep secret because they are afraid of the end result once such secret is revealed. One thing you should know is this, secrets is a result of a mistake made some time ago. Do not be too hard on yourself. If it’s eating you up, talk to a therapist and make sure you are truthful to yourself. Most people will want to tell their secret but they keep some details and those little details you keep will most times haunt you as the years go by.


In this scenario I will say, keeping secrets depends on how both parties communicate and what they often talk about. We all know women talk a lot so; the tendency of keeping secret is a little low. As for the male folks, they want everyone to believe they have it all under control so; the tendency of keeping secret is a little high. We have seen situation where the husband is having financial crisis but will still pretend all is well, doing all he can to keep it a secret. The male talk less so those awful hidden secret do not come out.

I mentioned earlier about speaking to a therapist and as we all know, it’s against their job ethics to go about exposing such therapy sections. When a secret is shared with you that can affect the health of another person or a life threatening secret; such secret are not worth keeping.

Here is an another example;

As a school counselor, you get to interact one on one with student on daily basis and you get lots of complaint from them. When a student complains about things happening in his/her home and also you notice that it’s affecting their welfare and academic, it is your duty to speak up. Such secret are not worth keeping because lives are at stake here.
Are you thinking of the best way to avoid keeping secrets?

The first big step to take is, BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF:

Being true is letting your genuineness show how real you are to others and not hiding behind a mask. One reason why people pretend or live a fake life is, they are ashamed of who they really are. A good example is “celebrities”. You see them all glam up, looking so good, nice cloths, fancy cars, living the life to its fullest all for the camera but behind that glamour lays awful secrets.

Being true to yourself attract trust and as we all know, trust is the foundation of every relationship and when secret and lies come into play, it gradually eats up the foundation of the relationship. Keeping a secret is same as telling a lie. When keeping a secret, you should ask yourself this;

If this secret was kept from me, how will I react?

There are secrets the society thinks its best we do not mention in public. Secrets such as; being sexually molested by a family member, the secret of the other man or woman having kids outside your marital home etc. most times such secret comes way after the fact. Like I always tell people,

It is better to tell the original story yourself than allow someone else tell the remix version of the story for you…lol

For a person to swallow his or her pride not minding the shame and stigma that will come with exposing such secret, that means the person acknowledged his/her mistake and expect just one thing from you, “FORGIVENESS”.
If anybody tells you forgiveness is easy, they lied. Forgiveness is more difficult than holding a grudge. The good thing about forgiveness is; it brings peace of mind but holding on to a grudge takes a toll on you.

Do you know how damaging secret can be to your health? I bet you don’t. Keeping a secret can lead to stress and stress leads to breakdown of your immune system which makes it less strong, you are then exposed to lots of tension which in turn might lead to depression.


People are often scared of getting judged by their secrets. I call that self-judgment. You are not waiting for people to judge you, you are already judging yourself. Since the fear of being judge by others has eaten your imagination, then comes another word “SHAME” which is associated with the secret.

I have come to realize that people who keep secret, keep them not because they like keeping secret but for the fear of what would happen when the truth comes out. As much as we have people who keeping secret is a hobby to them, we also have those who cannot keep secret because they don’t know how to, it just the way they were brought up.

There are things we all have experienced one way or the other and we don’t want people to know about. None of us will say we have it all together. A lot of times, secret can be as damaging as a lie, although in some profession, secret can be good for the business (such as, Journalism) but when the person do not want such secret exposed, you should respect their wish.

Keeping secret can cause emotional harm. If you have a secret that is eating you up and you need to lift the weight off your chest, I will suggest you go see a therapist or better still a priest. That way, you can be sure it is locked away and you are at peace with yourself. Always remember sharing a secret from your past is entirely up to you.



Image: Stockphoto


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I’m Julia Jonathan, I write on relationships, communication and lifestyle advice. I believe there’s always room to improve no matter how incredible you think you are. If you think so too, follow me to see more inspirational stories and articles

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