A lot of people do not understand or should I say, they underestimate how much their upbringing or their childhood and environment affects their relationship. When I say relationship, I’m not only speaking of romantic relationship but also our relationship with friends, co-workers, children etc.

The way we interact with people generally has a lot to do with our upbringing. There are different past event or scenario that can make people act or behave in certain ways in their adulthood. So many people were traumatized in their childhood and they carry that hurt, that pain throughout their life and unfortunately, they drop it right on the laps of their spouse, co-worker, friends or their significant other.

Here are some ways our childhood can hurt our relationships, be it romantic or cordial relationships;

THE PEOPLE PLEASER: These set of people put other people feelings before their own. They continuously give to people to make them happy but (all the time are not happy) they do not get any of that love and care in return. All their wants and needs are thrown aside while they’re busy caring for others.

Did I hear you ask, how does this relate to childhood up bringing?

This character could stem from having abusive parent, parents who are short temper or are too busy and often ignoring them (the kids). In this situation; such children often compensate their parent by trying to make their parents happy in other to feel loved or safe. This makes them (the children) believe or feel their own emotion is not important. They find themselves always giving love and attention in relationship because they feel that will in return make them happy and feel content even if they get nothing in return.

THE ABSENT PARENT (Always in and out of your life). These set of people will always find a person who is always there and use them as a mother or father figure. They fill the vacuum being created by parents. Often times, even when they find themselves in an abusive relationship, they find it difficult quitting no matter how you try to convince them. They feel for the single fact that the person is always there when they needed him/her they can cope with anything which is totally wrong.

ALWAYS LOSING LOVED ONES: Do you know, there are people who discovered that anyone they love, they loose and if the cycle continues, they will get comfortable loosing people they love? Losing someone may not necessarily mean death, it may be a friend you love so much just walk out on you or your parents whom you love so much all of sudden said they are getting a divorce or even a romantic relationship, your boyfriend/girlfriend might just quit the relationship and each time it happens, you see it as nothing because it has become a norm to you.

For instance;

In my case, some years ago, I discovered that love for me was a NO and anybody I love always hurt me and leave. I got so comfortable with it to the extent that, whenever I go into a relationship, I always have this mindset that the person will leave and once we start having little challenges, I’ll conclude in my mind that it’s over. I’m always waiting for that day the person will leave instead of enjoying the moments. I was constantly waiting for the day they will hurt me and leave which is more or less planning the end of a relationship/friendship before it even begins.

NEVER SHOWING APPRECIATION: These set of people may have been brought up in a family were everything is being done for them before they could lift a finger so they see it as a right. Yes! You are a golden child; such people never appreciate anything done for them by their spouse/significant other. Your lady cooks your favorite dish yet you will never appreciate it because you see it as your right. You never cared what she went through to cook that dish or how tired she was after cooking the dish to make you happy, or your man goes all the way to get you a present or plan a surprised trip for you and you be like “it’s his responsibility” honey says who?

You never show gratitude for anything done because you are so used to getting things done for you. If you must know, this has a way of hurting your spouse/significant other. Some will tell you how hurt/disappointed they are while others wont and they start giving you some strange attitude and you start complaining oh! He/she was not like this before, have you examined yourself? The best way to handle this as a unit is to stay aware of that.

Ever heard of imago therapy? In this theory, the person ends up imaging all in their relationship which needs to heal from the past, it could be with your parent, friends, or whoever it was a prominent driving force in the individuals personal development as a child.

When you understand that, you then begin to know that whatever is going on or whatever comes up over and over again in your relationship isn’t about what is happening at that moment but about the past, trying to heal. It is the use of energy whether good or bad. How it impacted your life and how you have carried that energy into your future and relationship without even knowing.


i often hear people say; I’m not going to be like them, I’m not going to do what they did but in the real sense, sweetheart, that’s what you know how to do.

There are many situations that come up in our life against us and it takes a special person to look deep, it takes a special person that pays close attention to details to examine why you’re acting in a certain way.

It is important we stop, think and ask ourselves;

  • What is happening to my partner?
  • Why is it happening?
  • What is it all about?

The reason for this is both parties/partners have to be aware of what is going on. Another thing is, you have to understand who you are and where you come from because if you forget who you are or where you come from, things will definitely get sketchy.



Image: Stock photo

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I’m Julia Jonathan, I write on relationships, communication and lifestyle advice. I believe there’s always room to improve no matter how incredible you think you are. If you think so too, follow me to see more inspirational stories and articles

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