I gave him three years of my life, and he just walked away. Was I not good enough for him? What does she have that I do not have?
These are questions we often ask ourselves, but some important questions we never ask ourselves are;
- What was I doing wrong?
- How did I let this happen?
- What could I have done to prevent it from happening?
I have had my fair share of experiences when it comes to wasted time and emotions in relationships. It took me years of disappointments, heartbreaks, and time to reflect and learn from them. Yes! These people are not the best, and that they have done or said things that have hurt me. But looking back, I allowed them to do so.
When you meet someone, the first thing to do is to figure out if they want what you want. That is what I call defining the relationship. Leave the vibes out of it for now because you do not want to get yourself in an entanglement. The way he responds to your question has a long way to go (I know that we cannot simply judge someone based on a single action or behavior that they have shown or something that they have said to us), but when you are dating a man, and you ask him what the future hold, and his response is;
“Let’s keep doing this and see where it goes.
My dear that is a red flag. It is quite common for us to overlook red flags because our judgment might be wrong or we think they will change. However; this is not an efficient approach, and the odds are, we will eventually end up wasting our time. That relationship is going nowhere.
Men always look for an easy way to escape these conversations. Believe it or not, they know what they want from the start of the first word hi the more you overlook red flags, the more you evolve into doormats, and the more you get easily stepped all over. It is like you are willingly putting yourself out there, waiting for that definite time you will get rejected. And long before you know it, so much of your time and emotional energy have already been wasted.
Listen; when a man says,
I want a relationship, I want marriage, and I want kids. It is different from when he says; I want a relationship, I want marriage and kids in the nearest future. These are the same conversation, but both are present in a different way.
If a man is not intentional, specific, or clear about what he wants, it simply means he does not have any plan for you. That does not make him a bad person. It only means being with him at this point is like jumping out of a moving car, and where ever his destination is, you will not be by his side when he gets to his destination. Like I said earlier, that does not mean he is bad, what it means is; you have to move on away from him to avoid wasting your own time.
Each time I see bitter women online giving out the wrong relationship advice, I ask myself, how did she get here? Most women that are tired, and exhausted from dating, were dating people who never wanted a relationship. These men were never ready for a relationship, but you thought you could make them have one. As a woman, it is time you stop trying to turn a man’s relationship goals into your own goals. Being in a relationship with someone you do not share the same goal with is like; going to work daily, in a company that does not recognize you as a staff, you will get tired because at the end of the day; you are not going to get paid for it. If your goal is to commit, find someone with the same goal.
Some men are good at using ambiguous language when you try having a good conversation with them. The annoying part is, they are smart enough to give you what you want to hear but always know this; they cannot be too careful, and when you find out, you need to retrace your steps and stop wasting your time. The moment you feel like someone is just leading you on, be the first one to walk away. Unless they prove that what you are thinking or feeling is wrong, save your precious time and head in the opposite direction. Never let anyone waste your valuable time.
Another thing is; if he changes the topic each time you ask about his goals, ambition, etc. Know that he is not ready for that conversation, and it is high time you leave. A man who values you will get you off the market. He will never leave you to keep getting hurt and used by other men. It does not work that way.
Ladies, it’s time we start placing value on ourselves. Whether people value you is their problem, you need to believe in yourself. Do not give people the privilege to treat you badly. Quit wasting years, or months in a situationship, or entanglement thinking you are in a relationship. Learn to use directionless languages to get your steps. Remember, a man can only waste your time if you give him your time to waste.
Here is why guys waste ladies time;
- A lot of young men are single-handedly seeking out sex. Their drives are non-stop and howling. In their immature minds and selfish motives, they may not see you as a person they want to date. They may see women as a walking collection of body parts, picking potential partners based on their best fantasies.
- The guy is probably getting his physical desires met from the gal, and so since he wants to continue this, he could care less about the seriousness of it all.
- He’s getting what he wants without having to commit or marry the girl.
Men feel entitled to their time, bodies, and emotional and mental labor. So they come into your life pretending to be a perfect little special guy, and then they suck out your originality, intelligence, creativity, and ideas so they can dump you and move on to another unsuspecting victim.
Written by: Jonathan Julia