Why We Hurt Those We Love Most and How?

Have you ever wonder why we often hurt those people we love so dearly?

Love is a very abstract concept, it is the deepest need of all humans and this chamber of human heart is never fully filled. Every human being experiences different feelings from time to time. You will agree with me that, children deprived of human touch and love grow into individuals with subnormal intellectual abilities and are likely to suffer from various diseases and afflictions.

Nevertheless, not everything can be called love. It can be empathy, affection, attraction or infatuation. We can feel the love and be grateful to others for loving us for what we are. However love is something that one feels and comes from inside, it cannot be fabricated. 

Here is an interesting phenomenon about love;

When we fall in love, we receive a lot of energy (attention, interest, time, love etc.) for free. We all are looking for permanent love which is a utopia. The other person gives us freely and abundantly a whole bunch of energy. We do not even have to ask for it, we do not need to apply any strategy to pick this energy, it is all for free!

We let go of our mechanism to pull the energy of others towards us. We loosen up. We fall in love. We almost literally fly. We are high! Everything seems to have more colour, is more vivid, we feel lighter, life seems easy, everything goes by itself, we have the feeling we love everybody and everything.

Once we find a partner who is on the same wave length, the love effect heightens and we are floating on cloud nine of LOVE we feel nothing can hurt us, we feel safe and boosted with energy. But the truth is; we are flying on someone else’s energy, and human energy is limited!  And that is exactly the problem!

This stream of free energy begins to slow down; because the other one goes back to his/her business and activities he/she had before. Why? The body is not able to handle this amount of adrenaline for a long period of time they say but the real reason is we need to learn to pull our energy from somewhere else, not from a human being but from the source of energy itself.

Most of us regress to selfishness all too easily. When things do not happen the way we think they should, we feel hurt, and then we react by spreading the hurt around. We do not think about it until the people we hurt are driven away, or when we lose them for other reasons.

A lot of us try to block the feelings of isolation by heavy drinking which affect the neurotransmitters and induce a temporary feeling of ecstasy. The reason for this is because, we were used to this energy-flow and now we have to do it again by ourselves!

Free energy is so much easier! We do not have to do any effort to get it! And now we are getting less of this free energy, we do not want to let this happen. At this moment our old childhood-system of capturing energy is triggered because of the scarcity of energy (there is an alarm inside us that says: Danger! lack of energy!) Then the old mechanism to capture energy from others starts running in our head and in our behavior. The mechanism that worked when we were a child (the crying mechanism) to get the energy of our parents will be triggered by the lack of energy now. There are four kinds of mechanism people use; 

  • Playing the victim card of self-pity.
  • We get attention by being aggressive, shouting and trying to dominate the other one.
  • Harassing the other one by asking too many questions and controlling him/her.
  •  Silence, refusing contact, not to speak and not to react, so the other one will do whatever he/she  can to get in contact with you again and this will give you his/her energy.

You find out in situations like this, the person, whose energy you are using will have no other option than to fight back. He/she will either shouts at you, play the poor one that do not deserve your treatment game, either torture you with a bunch of questions, or refuse contact.

This explains why we hurt the ones we love.


First reason is we want their energy, the energy they gave once for free. We hurt our loved ones most because they gave us love and energy and attention for free in the beginning and now we have to do it on our own and we are angry and want to get back at them. We think we are entitled to have their energy still for free and we start off with our mechanism to get it.

Second reason we hurt them most is because of convenience: they are always around; their energy is available so when we are low on energy we try to rip their energy off, and hurt them by doing that.


Stealing energy from another human being is hurting him/her. So,What can we do about this?

The best way to go about this is, be in contact with those you love when you are sure to be already filled up with your own energy, so you won’t steal theirs. When you are full of energy, and conscious of what happens between people, you can give the other one energy instead of ripping them off. It’s not advisable to meet each other when you are low on energy. It is the responsibility of each and every person to generate their own energy by themselves self and not to depend on other people.

Here is how to do that;

  • By connecting to the energy that is always available. That is the energy of the Universe. The easiest way to connect to this energy is contemplate the beauty of a flower.
  • You also can contemplate the beauty of an object or a person.
  • You can listen to beautiful music.
  • Take a walk in nature.
  •  Meditate and pray.
  • Dance.
  • Paint.
  • Read positive texts.
  •  Work on your mission on earth.

Just focus on anything that gives you energy.

Make a list of every activity and behavior that increases your energy level. As soon as you feel you are in a conflict with your partner, boss, child, parent or whoever, do something to get yourself together and raise your energy. Do not say anything until your energy-level is high enough to be able to send energy to the other person.

By sending energy, you are sure not to steal energy from the other one. This is an act of love. If you are not able to get your energy level any higher, go to another place, do something for yourself and wait until your vibrations are high enough to meet the other one again.

Never forget, the important thing in a relationship is not to make the other happy or to expect the others one to make you happy, but to make yourself happy and offer this happiness as a free gift to the other!

Loving another human being is giving him/her energy!

I hope you understand and see the difference? Do you want to love your loved ones or steal their energy?

Written By: Juliana Jonathan

Photo credit: Julia




I’m Julia Jonathan, I write on relationships, communication and lifestyle advice. I believe there’s always room to improve no matter how incredible you think you are. If you think so too, follow me to see more inspirational stories and articles

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